A Guide To Tactful Funeral Home Visits

A Guide To Tactful Funeral Home Visits

By MichiganGhoul, the Minister of Necrophilia

The funeral home visit is the safest and most practical outlet for a person with a necrophilic sexual orientation.  While exhuming a grave or breaking into a tomb is a serious crime (not to mention an exhausting task) a funeral parlor is a building open to the public (except occasionally  during 'family time', as specified in many obituaries), and one which you have every right to visit.

      

Getting started is simple; just scan the daily paper in your area for erotic-sounding death notices.  Once you find an exciting one (like, 'Stacy Smith, 14 years old, died suddenly'), check to see if and when general visitation hours are scheduled.  It's a good idea to call in advance and ask if it will be an open casket affair.  If the person was killed in some type of accident or died after a long bout with cancer or a similar debilitating disease, chances are it may be a closed casket ceremony.  With cremations growing more frequent these days, funeral homes are sometimes known to host 'corpseless' memorials.  Driving several miles out of one's way only to find no cadaver to view is a disappointment no necrophiliac should have to face.  Plan ahead, call ahead!

What to wear?  Now, you might feel that attending a viewing requires a suit and tie or a dress, heels and stockings. Not so. I've gone to a large number of viewings in my work clothes, which (at the time)consisted of a tee shirt,steel-toed boots and simple slacks.  Of course, I've gotten a few  stares,too, but this is no big deal.  In this day and age, many unfortunate souls are forced to lead very tight schedules, so the idea of someone popping in for 5 or 10 minutes after work is not unheard of.   Also,remember that the family members and close friends are not 'there' (mentally speaking) most of the time anyway.  What with the loss of their loved one, the worries of funeral home expenses, and the mounds of paperwork that often go with the territory, the last thought on their minds will be who you are or how you look.

'What if someone asks who I am?  What do I say?'    Relax, folks.   This roadblock is easily overcome.  Of all the times I've been to these 'open house' affairs, only a handful of people have asked 'Can I help you?' or 'Are you with the  ------   family?' or words to that effect. Remember that the staff usually does not know ANYONE in the parlor except for their own coworkers.  Other than the brief business acquaintance the mortician and/or his or her assistants make with the next of kin (generally less than4 people), every face that walks through that door will belong to a stranger as far as they're concerned.  Relax!

'Well, what if a family member approaches me to ask how I knew their late loved one.  NOW what do I say?!'  This is where the 'tact factor' (or bullshit principle, if you will) really comes into play.   Having planned ahead, you merely withdraw the photo from your pocket which you brought along and say, "This girl/lady/young man wrote me some time ago in response to a singles ad I placed awhile back.  We lost touch a year or so ago, but her name was something like (the deceased's name), and I just wondered if it was her.   She lived right around (city the deceased is laid out in)."    There you have it, folks.  There are millions of people in this world who have trouble recalling a person's name, so no one should find the fact that you 'can't recall the exact name' suspicious at all.  After you 'discover' that the photo and the deceased have nothing in common, you feign subdued humiliation and quietly back out.  To find a picture just dig in your family photo album and look for one of a relative, friend, neighbor, co-worker, whatever - anyone who is the same gender and close to the same age as the deceased.  And please: Make sure it's not a yellowed black and white photo of your great-grandmother as a child! If the person is young enough to be your son or daughter, and the death notice gives the name of his/her school (they most often do), you have the perfect 'alibi':  "My kid goes to-------- High/Grade School and knew --------.  He/she thought it would be too sad to come down here, so I promised him/her I'd pay respects for both of us.  Follow up with a phrase like, "She was so young," or "He was just starting out in life," and you will have cinched it.

    

Occasionally, there will be a death that 'touches everyone in the community. These deaths typically receive prime time news and front page coverage locally, if not statewide, and, in a few cases, nationwide.  Hundreds of people who never knew the deceased show up to pay their respects at the funeral home.  The big crowd and possible media presence should mean a bad omen for you, right?  Wrong, baby!   These are the best types of affairs to attend.  You don't NEED a 'connection' to be there;  when you saw on the news (or read in the paper) how that poor person was killed in a drunk driving accident or whatever, you just had to come down and pay your respects.  Trust me, folks: People attend funerals that  involve high profile deaths (especially if the victim happens to be a teenager or child) of persons they never even heard of  2 days before all the time.  There is no need to feel  awkward in these situations.  You are merely 1 out of perhaps    1,000 or so strangers who will stop by the funeral home  over the next couple of days to 'pay respects' to someone you never saw before.   One final, quick tip: If the deceased in question was the victim of an unsolved homicide, the person striking up a friendly conversation  with you may just be a policeman or woman.    Investigators are notorious  for grilling (and sometimes framing) anyone connected to the victim, so if this is not one of those circuses previously mentioned where everyone shows up to 'say goodbye', you may wish to avoid the affair.  Most
murder cases, solved or otherwise almost always make headlines (and hence draw crowds), though, so attendance at them seldom would cause someone to become 'involved' in any type of investigation.
     

'To Touch Or Not To Touch'.  Because funerals are such emotional events, and some folks tend to hang around the casket area like hungry vultures, touching the guest of honor is highly circumstantial.  I've been to some viewings where reaching into the coffin and  touching the corpse was no problem; no one even gave me a second look.  On the other hand, I've been in other funeral homes where my gut instinct told me that any 'hands on' activity on my part would generate attention from the fucking mourners  and cause an uncomfortable scene.  As a rule of thumb, when the attendees aren't  standing right by the casket and/or staring directly at the guest of honor or myself, I reach out for that dead sensual flesh.  Obviously, any touching that last longer than a few seconds will catch someone's attention, so make it brief.  Also, feigning an appearance of personal loss (complete with the obligatory  'sad' face, gentle head shaking and mumbled phrase along the lines of, 'The poor thing!') looks very appropriate as you stroke the cadaver's  hand or arm lustfully. Wherever else you decide to touch your new 'friend' is up to you but the ramifications of getting caught in a 20-1 odds situation (if not worse!) dictate great care on the part of the daring adventurer.  (Merely touching the hand or arm of the corpse would, generally speaking, not be considered 'unusual')After you've taken in the lovely sights and (if you're brave enough) felt the uniquely erotic flesh of the dead, don't forget   to grab a funeral card on the way out as a souvenir of the fine time you had at the mortuary.  Now go for it!!